Dear Doc,

Whatever happened to the old cric notion of 'play fair, but play the game'? These days it seems that people actually want to win matches.  I fear that we may end up like those dreadful vulgar colonial types who actually enjoy beating opponents.  What can be done to stop this sad decline?

Yours despairingly,

Old Fart of Barry

Dear Old Fart,

I think it may be too late.  The colonial way of thinking is already sweeping through this once most corinthian of clubs.  Why, last season I witnessed a junior member expressing delight at taking an opponent's wicket.  Sad days, indeed.

Yours in Cric,

The Doc

I've been having this recurring nightmare - I keep dreaming that I own place calle The Glebe Field, but I don't know where it is.   I search everywhere and just as I think I've found it I suddenly find myself batting on a 'sticky' at Rhoose.  Can I be helped?

Yours in good faith,

Tired of Sully

Dear Tired,

This sort of dream tends to affect those who believe in miracles even though there is plenty of evidence that they don't happen.  Have more faith, my boy, all will be right in the end.  These crazy notions of this mythical field will diminish over time.  The only person who seems completely unaffected such dreams is a local octagenarian called Mr P Head, but he is obviously beyond all help by now.

Yours in Cric,

The Doc

Following the club dinner, I seem to have gone deaf. Is this common?

Youwhat of Lavernock

Dear Youwhat,

No, you haven't gone deaf, it's just that Pie's stopped talking and it seems so quiet.

Don't worry, he'll be back to normal fairly soon (the AGM is approaching!)

Yours acoustically,

Doc Savage

Dear Doc,

I hear that the South Wales League may be allowing paid players next year.

Surely this can't happen. This league has a proud amateur status to ophold.

Concerned of Sully

Dear Concerned,

I share your concerns. But I am sure that Sully Centurions will have no part in this.

This club would never sanction such blatant professionalisation and will proudly uphold the spirit of the game in the face of all who would besmirch the proud name of cricket.

Yours tongueincheekly

Doc Savage

Dear Doc,

I keep having these delusions that I'm the chairman of the club - I have flashbacks to the AGM and then it all goes blank.  I'm very confused and I don't know if I should go ahead and order a blazer (and I'm not sure that green and gold goes with grey/muzzy hair).

Yours Importanatly,

Leg End of Barry

Dear Leg End,

You are not the first to suffer from this condition.  A certain Mr P Head of Sully has suffered from the same delusion for the past 30 years.  The difference is that he actually managed to get a significant section of ther membership to believe him, which I would put down to mass hysteria.

Yours Freudulently

The Doc

Dear Doc,

I keep getting run out by Uncle Terry Sylvester.  Is there anything I can do to stop this from happening.

Yours In Stranded Isolation,

"Out Like A Dog"  of Rhoose

Dear Dog

The only thing to do is to develop temporary deafness and refuse to run on his call.  The roar of the planes at Rhoose can be used a convenient excuse for failing to respond.  When playing away just cite the strange atmospherics of the valleys as your reason for failing to hear him.  If none of the above works than you must resort to the only other solution - smack him round the head with your bat - it's not pretty, but it has been proven to be effective!

Yours Violently

The Doc

Dear Doc,

I read somewhere that you can get a season ticket for Bristol Zoo at reduced prices.  Please let me have details, as I love those monkeys.

Glyn of Bangor

Dear Glyn,

Stop wasting my time with your stupid letters - any more and I'll send you a season ticket to Barry Island's amusement park!

Yours threateningly,

The Doc

I witnessed Piehead's speech at the club dinner and I have now lost the will to live.  Have you any advice for me?

Yours in misery

Depressed of Moulton

Dear Depressed,

There is no known cure for an excess of Pie verbiage.  You will have to wait patiently and see if the feeling goes away of its own accord.

Yours Anxiously

The Doc

Dear Doc,

I’d be grateful for some advice on how to deal with sledging.  In your long and illustrious career have you had to contend with personal remarks about your appearance?

Yours in cric,

Oliver Flangebucket Esq.

Dear Ollie,

I’ve been on the receiving end of some thunderous sledging over the years – particularly about my appearance.  But my way of dealing with it is to ignore it.  As I always say, everything’s ok as long as you’ve got your ‘elf.

Yours,

The Doc

Dear Doc,

I’m very keen on improving my batting technique, but I don’t want to look a complete plonker in front of the rock stars in the nets.  Do you do individual coaching sessions?

All the best,

Anxious of Cadoxton

Dear Anxious,

No problem.  I can coach you in the comfort of your own house if you like. I’ve always got room in my diary for at least one ‘gnome’ visit a week

Yours,

The Doc

Dear Doc,

You have a fine head of hair, while mine has been described as ‘wispy’. Have you got any tips on how to keep my hair under control whilst playing cricket?  I always end up looking like I’ve been dragged through a hedge backwards.

Yours expectantly,

P Head

Dear Mr Head,

A well positioned cap is the answer.  I always remember my old opening partner WG Disgrace never left home without one on his head.  Failing that, you could always try the Bobby Charlton comb over – always remembering to apply lashings of hair gel on windy days.  But don’t stand too close to the gas cooker when the kettle is on at teatime, or everything could go up in smoke!

Yours Hirsutely,

The Doc